Squirrel watch: Volume I - The Beginninging

Such evil constrained within a tiny, furry body

It is my firm belief that one day, soon, squirrels will ascend to the dominant species of this world, enslaving humanity with their pointy teeth and twitching tails, the threat is very real and cannot be underestimated. One day, the lesser species of the earth can shake their heads and know how things went wrong, and know that they could have stopped it; as such I feel it is my duty to catalogue and document their meteoric rise to power, primarily because I am training them to become better, more efficient dervishes of destruction.

We shall start slow, so that the true depth of my clandestine power play can be asserted. Take for instance, the story of a red squirrel swimming across a lake. An innocent enough touchy-feely story about an anomaly in nature? No, Trevor was on a training exercise which he duly failed by accepting the assistance of the boated humans. What the naive people on board failed to notice was the platoon of underwater squirrels keeping tabs on Trevor’s progress. Indeed Mr Benson, squirrels can swim, but their ability is not enough for aquatic combat now is it? Since the posting of that article Trevor was duly disciplined and can now swim for 400 miles without a break while towing a small arsenal of weapons.

Scoff at such a thing you may, I could well be twisting the story to my own means, as if I would have the time to do that. Turn this idea on its head then, and wonder at why one would choose squirrels to vigorously train and teach deadly martial arts to; Alpacas would of course be the obvious choice, but squirrels’ lack of obviousness is to their benefit. Point in note: the New Scientist story of squirrels heating up their tails to fool snakes. A useful survival mechanism that evolution undoubtedly had a hand in, the scientists missed the squirrels’ poison projectile sac and their super strength but biologists have always been reticent to document such lethal features of the species. With my most recent squirrel enhancement project however abilities such as in-built rockets and laser eyes (an early prototype of which was comically included in an early Simpsons episode) will bring their abilities up to scratch with their badger nemesis. Perhaps Wired said it best though, “Super Soldier”. What better way to take on the frigid northern reaches of this planet than with a creature that can survive (albeit comatose) in a near zero-degree state. But physical traits aren’t the only thing going for squirrels, no no, a mental capacity is needed if the title of “Rulers of the World” is to being absolute; it’s gratifying to hear then that Wilkes University in Pennsylvania have scientifically proven that squirrels are sneaky. This is not world shattering news as I doubt any of my current experimental “Smart Squirrels” will ever be able to grasp quantum mechanics, but wild squirrels, feral and untamed, still show that spark of intelligence.

“This is all good theory, but is the squirrel threat real?” I hear you ask. The most poignant example is that of a nomadic group I trained in my earlier days, a rogue group of down-and-outers living off the street that I gave a second chance. At the end of their training when they tried to murder me in my sleep (I couldn’t have been happier!) they were the most hardened, grizzled group of furry inch-high rodents I could have hoped for. They slipped up however, their terror campaign in Eastern Russia being documented, thankfully none of their names or faces were revealed, if they can even remember their original names any more. Of course, there are the more fringe areas of militant tree-rodents that worry me: poor George was such a promising and upcoming member of my elite. Coerced as he was into the act, it kept the populace of that area at least in check. Tony Millar’s sister may have been fully insured, but she now has to sleep with one eye open, clutching a gun, endlessly waiting for George’s family to avenge his senseless death.

Even humans have noticed the versatility and durability of squirrels, the Iranian secret police was one of the first to “donate” to my cause, and utilise my acquired knowledge they did. Unfortunately Iran did not upgrade to the latest version of SpySquirrel, the ones laced with thermite in case of accidental discovery, now I feel their contribution may have been in vain due to sloppy maintenance. I am, it may surprise you to hear, not the only one documenting the exploits of squirrels around the world, nay, a forebear to my documentation exists, in the form of the Metro. A free newspaper in the UK, it first came to my attention in 2007 as the story of the spy squirrels broke and it appears they have documented a great deal of the operations I thought covert. Correctly terming it the “Squirrel Menace”, I doubt the doe-eyed reporters of the Metro truly know what a box they are opening with their unfettered campaign of free speech. “Suicide squirrels strike again”. Such martyring tactics are abhorrent, besides which, Marlene survived the attack and became a squirrel with very high static potential, we are currently training her to project her powers so that she may be more useful than making one’s hair stand on end. “Rogue squirrel forces down plane”, with a most apt caption of “Oh, furry furry demon”. Chewing through wires was the least of your problems in this instance American Airlines, though alas poor Reginald, he had barely begun to live.

Humans of course, try and comfort themselves with the idea that they are smarter than the squirrels. Dressing squirrels up? Not an efficient use of what time you have left. But sure your common, garden squirrel may get ruthlessly dizzy after encounter your contraption, or perhaps a device so devious in construction it defies reason but really humanity, how long do you intend to survive when trained, ruthless, bushy-tailed warriors descend upon you? Will your futile one-shot catapults or elaborate twiling machine work then? Or will they crumble like your civilisation? I doubt it, and lest you construct more worthwhile defences, your ruin is already upon you.